He shot His arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. YET I DARE to Hope when I remember this: The UNFAILING Love of the Lord NEVER ENDS! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.
Lamentations 3:13,19-22

Saturday, November 12, 2011

This is not where I belong!

We were on our way home from grocery shopping and this song came on the radio.
I Love it!
Tate has made heaven so much sweeter for us.
This is my hearts song!!!!
"Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive
I will keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

So when the walls come falling down on me
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea
I have this blessed assurance holding me."
(push pause on the background music and play this as loud as you can!!!)

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 1 John 2:15

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

There are things in this life that I have to let go of. Do you ever feel the Lord shut a certain door in your life? I do! Yes, we feel He opens doors but Im a firm believer that He also shuts them! There are things that have been going on in my life that have just caused me to hurt more. The book Im reading talks about "broken hearts are more vulnerable; they must be guarded more carefully!" When someone wants to come in my life and take all I have left... all I have to say is, Lord Help me! He hears my cry! He has shut the door and has held the key! "He will fight my battles for me, I need only to be still!" Exodus 14:14
Its not fair for me to have to put up with situations like this. I feel I can honestly say, Ive gone through enough. How dare you make your problem bigger than my son! And then expect me to come hold your hand when Im the one needing the hand held. Im hanging on by a thread (or slippy rope is more like it)! I dont want my heart to grow hard toward God because I couldnt handle the pressures of this life. I will "take heart, because He has overcome the world."John 16:33  I want to take it one step at a time. I can only focus on one part of my life at a time right now. I want to grow closer to the Lord because of this pain. I want the Lord to be the ONE I rely on. I want to experience His mercy more than ever!

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14
 I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." John 16:33

I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Misery has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within. But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying "You are my God!" My future is in your hands.
Psalm 31:10,14-15

 Its been very hard writing in my blog lately.  Im not saying Im a good writer by any means but I write from MY heart and I write what the Lord tells me to...no more and no less. So when I come across a blog that has "re-worded" my thoughts and my heart...I feel they are belittling my feelings. It hurts when I come across a blog that is using MY kids pictures for their very own!?! This is mostly why I havent been writing in my blog! I have written things that Ive wanted to post but because I fear someone taking them, I cant seem to push the "post" button. Im trying to push through my fears.
Its hard to write when I feel some "expect" me to be doing better. I guess this is the "people-pleaser" in me (thank you Mimi) The fear of failing is so prevalent in my life right now. I feel flat out guilty for grieving! I am so afraid of taking the wrong step. I have been on a mission to find the right book that helps me understand what is the "right" way to grieve. So far Ive found there is not a "right" way to grieve. Everyone is different! But as I looked down this LONG row of  "how to grieve" books (it felt like tunnel vision) I prayed that the Lord would put the "right" book in my hand and He did just that! On the back of this book it said " Dare to hope when life has let you down. Sometimes we just need to know theres hope when life just hurts." That seemed good enough for me! Shortly after reading it, I had to close it after just a  few pages into the introduction. The similarities that this writer and I have are unbelievable! First of all, we are both married to men named David, her baby was diagnosed with a disease, also incompatible with life and she had to feed her with a syringe. Thats how we fed Tate at first! But more than names, diagonsis, and ways of feeding, was that she felt she was bringing her baby home to die and that "hurt invaded  her life!" She talks about even months after the passing of her daughter, she felt empty and disappointed, lonely and sad! WOW! You mean a christian woman felt the same way I do? I guess maybe Im not alone, maybe its ok to "still" be grieving even though months have passed and some say "I should be moving forward." There are days I want to just sit and wallow in my pain! There are times I look back and think - did that just happen? Is it all over? Already?  Its seems as though it was just yesterday that I was trying to understand what trisomy 18 was. I look back at pictures of Tate and I physically ache! Let me assure you that my tears DO NOT show a lack of faith! When I lost Tate, I was forced to let go of all my dreams and live in a nightmare. I believe that gives me the OK to be sad and grieve. God does NOT dismiss my tears! In fact, He keeps track of all my sorrows. He collects my tears in a bottle! He record them in His book. (Psalm 56:8) In Revelation 21:4 it tells us that not only will He wipe  away our tears, He will remove all of the sorrow that caused them! I find great comfort in that! Even though I feel a part of me died with Tate, I know my life is in His hands. He holds my future.

Monday, November 7, 2011


Tate, today you would have turned 5 months old. I would have made you cupcakes or cookies and watched as you played. Maybe rolling over or putting your feet in your mouth ... like any other 5 month old would...
I miss you so much it hurts. Today I thought of you in a way that I havent allowed myself to think of you. Mostly because its too painful. The kids and I were outside laying in the grass watching the leaves fall.  Kevin asked me did you live in the clouds. I simply told him, you lived far past the clouds....in the most beautiful place. He seem satisfied with that answer. So he went to play on the swing set with Allie. As I watched them, I thought....what would you have been like if you stayed here with me. Who would you be like? Would you be like you sister- a carefree and somewhat wild spirit or would you be more like your brother- very reserved, soft and shy? What would you have grown up to be?
I  KNOW the Lord never meant for you to be here one day more than you were. I KNOW your days were numbered in His book long before I even dreamed of you. I just wish I could have you in my arms. I miss you more than words could ever express.
Love, Mommy

Thank you Lord, for allowing me to be Tates mommy but oh how the hurt lingers, help me remember your unfailing love. Make your faithfulness and goodness known and more vivid than my pain!


Saturday, November 5, 2011

how much life can change in 6 years...

How much can life change in just six short years? ALOT!
In the six years we have been married..... We've moved three times, bought our first house, bought a mini van, had three beautiful children and had our heart broken when we had to say goodbye to one precious, little boy.  The past year has been the most difficult time in our lives. I think that as we have faced all these hard times we've learned to rely on each other and most importantly, the Lord. We have grown as a married couple, a family and just people in general. We are not the same people we were six years ago when we walked down an aisle...Thank you, Lord!!
  Im so thankful for David. He is an amazing husband, who is the spiritual leader our family. He leads by example. He is wonderful daddy, who truly desires to train his children in the way of the Lord. He is a great friend, always ready to lend a hand! He bears all fruits of the spirit! I dont think there is ONE person in this world that could dislike David! I feel so blessed that he is the one I get to walk the path with!!

David, thank you for loving the Lord first and me second!
(Hey, as long as the Lord is first, I can live with second best!)


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Another Blog

I started another blog. Our Life In Pictures. This is a blog just for pictures. Uploading pictures to 2 different places is quite time consuming. Sometimes I forget to update pictures on my blog and facebook says I cant upload anymore pictures to my Tate file. Hopefully this will work out! I Love taking pictures of our family! I hope you enjoy it!

Our Life In Pictures
There is also a link on the right hand side of the screen with this yellow picture! Click on it at anytime to see what new (or old) pictures I have posted!
 It has been brought to my attention that our family pictures were being used by another blogger. Someone was using my pictures as their own! So in my attempt to protect my family I will have to put a watermark on all my pictures. Sorry if its annoying but it had to be done. I had to send and email to this person and file a complaint through Blogspot.com. So after almost 2 weeks of back and forth emailing and aggravation, the problem has been fixed! I hope this works!


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Still here....

Well its been a crazy couple of weeks....to say the least. We have been so busy with Kevins school, fall festivals, school and church programs, field trip and funerals...... I feel so bad that I havent blogged in a while. Im going to try harder to get back into it. This grieving process has really taken a toll on me.
I have so many pictures of all the things we have done. I hope to post them soon. But until then thanks for keeping up with us and praying for us. We really appreciate it.