He shot His arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. YET I DARE to Hope when I remember this: The UNFAILING Love of the Lord NEVER ENDS! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.
Lamentations 3:13,19-22

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Tates Birth Story

On June 7th 2011, David and I woke up knowing we would be meeting the little boy who changed our lives. After months and months of planning, we were finally going to put all of our plans in to motion. While we drove to the hospital we were nervous and speechless at times but I kept thinking, hoping, trusting, praying - everything is going to be ok -everything is going to be ok. We felt so much peace. I believed with all my heart that the Lord would give us what we asked, time with Tate. I didnt know if that time would be minutes or hours. We could only have faith and total trust!
We parked the car but before we got out, we prayed. We prayed the Lord would wraps His arms around us and that His Will would be done.
We got up to the 3rd floor and went into our room. I put the gown on and got into the bed.
 We had the sweetest nurse. She asked us the normal check-in questions. We then started my IV. About 7:00 our nurse, Becky walked in. She was the most amazing nurse. She told us that she read our birth plan. I was so happy that everyone that had anything to do with Tates birth took the time to read and understand our wishes. We had several doctors come in at first, just making their rounds. Becky had the anesthesiologist come in and do my prep. He asked a few questions and said I could have my epidural whenever I wanted it. Now or later. They had just started my Pitocin, so I told him I would wait. After a couple hours I went ahead and asked for my epidural. I didnt want to worry about pain, not this day. I was so nervous about getting the epidural. David had to leave. He went to call Pat (grief counselor) and Natalie (photographer) to go ahead and head up to the hospital. He went down stairs to give an update to everyone in the waiting room. As they wheeled in the cart I was scared. I needed David there to hold my hand. After it was over, David came back up. We wanted the room to be quite, free of stress, low lights, NO TV, peaceful...It was exactly that.
Our family and friends had taken over the waiting room. 

David giving an update.                   

Davids dad

Kevin and Gigi

Allie Faith and Granddaddy

coloring to pass time

Playing cards to pass time....

 After what seemed to be forever, my nurse broke my water. That moment reality set in....he was coming!

There was no turning back. My labor was going alot slower than I thought it would. 12:00 passed, 2:00 passed, 4:00 passed. I was still at 4 cm. My epidural wasnt working very well. The pain was too much.  The anesthesiologist came back in 4 times to up my epidural IV. Later I started to feel this terrible pain in my back. Becky checked me...I was complete! They started to get things ready. We were about to meet Tate face to face. Terrified doesn't begin to explain what I felt. Becky checked Tates heart rate one last time before I started to push and it was 140, as it had been all day.

I dont remember how long I pushed or how many people were in the room, I just remember closing my eyes and praying. As each contraction came I pushed and prayed. Tate was posterior! He finally turned on his own. The doctor came in and I pushed Tate out. At 6:14 Tate was born! I remember opening my eyes and seeing him. I saw a perfect little baby. The doctor was holding him and one of his eyes opened. David cut the cord. I put my arms out to hold him and she put Tate on my chest, then Becky said the worst words Ive ever heard...."hes already gone. I cant find a heartbeat. Im so sorry."-  The next four minutes would be the worst and longest of our lives. 


David just wrapped his arms around Tate and I. We cried and we loved on him....my heart was broken. For that small moment the world faded away and I was holding my baby, the baby I prayed for, the baby that changed our lives and so many others. I was holding my Tate and he was gone, safe in the Lords arms.
I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.- 1 Samuel 1:27
I felt this unexplainable peace. Something I will never me be able to describe. I stopped crying. It felt like an out of body experience. Like the world was spinning but I was still. I remember hearing lots of crying. Crying from David, crying from all the nurses and doctors. My head was in Davids neck and I looked up, before I looked at Tate, I said Thank you Lord for this baby....he is here and he is beautiful! I pulled my head away from David to look at Tate. He moved! 

It scared me, but we were told that he may make a few movements. Its just what they sometimes do after they've passed. BUT he did it again! Becky came right over to us. She felt his cord and said, "he has a heartbeat, its not strong but its there. Lets rub his back."
Be still in the presence of the LORD, and wait patiently for him to act. Psalm 37:7
She and I rubbed and rubbed. She then asked if I wanted her to take him over to the warmer and put oxygen in his face. I said yes do what you have to do. She knew that oxygen as as far as we could go. I wanted him to be comfortable.  When I looked up, there were doctors and nurses everywhere. There was one that made me nervous because she looked at me like- are you sure you want to do that. As if I was going to change my mind about putting Tate on ventilators. I watched as David talked to Tate. Every so often he would look at me and shake his head yes and lip "hes breathing, hes ok". God brought him back! David carried Tate over to me and he's eyes were open. We put him skin to skin with me. He was perfect and he was ALIVE! 
An Live, Let him live. Psalm 72:15
We knew we we're moment by moment with him but that was the last thing on my mind, I wanted the kids to meet him! Kevin and Allie Faith came in to meet him. They loved on him. After they left our families came in a few at a time. I felt I couldnt stop smiling. We had been blessed and God had done a miracle. Before Becky left she said " God was in this room". I was amazed that God used our tiny son to show His power.


Pat bringing Kevin and Allie Faith up to meet their new baby brother
She, to this day hasnt stopped kissing him!

My Mimi and Aunt Brooke
Davids parents...Granna and Grandaddy

My brothers and sisters

SOME of  Davids brothers and sisters

After Davids family left, we had a few more people that wanted to meet Tate but he started breathing differently. He was grunting. So the nicu doctors came in, all 20 of them. I cant begin to tell you how scared I was. They took Tate from me to give him more oxygen and put him under the warmer. They were explaining things to me...things I already knew, it was hard to concentrate and understand everything they were saying.They all had our birth plan in their back pockets. It was all I could do to not to fall apart in front of them. They gave Tate back to me and said just love on him as much as you can....then they left. I fell apart! I cried and cried....for 2 hours straight. I couldnt stop. I felt I wasnt strong enough to let go. All those months and months of preparing and it went out the window. A new nurse came in and wanted to move us to the 6th floor recovery. She said to take our time. I couldnt move! Natalie was there to do pictures but we thought it would be best to do them the next day. 

I finally got myself together long enough to get my clothes on and go to the 6th floor. So David put Tate in the bassinet and I got in a wheel chair. As we started going to the 6th floor, David and Pat walked with Tate. Several times they had to stop because Tate would stop breathing and turn blue. We finally got up to the recovery room. The nurses were so wonderful they did everything we asked and more. A NICU doctor came up to check on us. She was so sweet, very understanding. She told me she read our birth plan and thought it was so touching, not one detail was left out. She said if we needed anything she would be there. At 1:00 in the morning, we told Pat she could go on home. I didnt want her to go but I knew she was tired. She was so amazing. I couldnt imagine going through and of this without her! That night I didnt sleep. I dont think I slept the whole time we were there. That night was the hardest. I felt like I was just waiting for the end to happen. A nicu doctor would come in every 4 hours and check his heart rate and oxygen saturation levels. His numbers looked good and he started to eat! Praise the Lord! We were feeding him with a syringe and he was doing good. Most of hospital stay is a blurr, we had lots of visitors and no sleep. The NICU doctors suggested we have a hospice program help us when we go home. WHEN WE GO HOME!!! I was overwhelmed with love for the Lord, The Lord was giving us what we asked of Him.the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.- 1 Samuel 1:27 I was scared at the same time. Not having a doctor right next to me to tell me how to do things. So we set up the hospice program and my insurance would pay for most of it. Knowing a nurse would be there to help was very reassuring. The time came when they started to get things ready to go home with him. We didnt have anything. Yes, we set up a place for him but we didnt bring the carseat, we didnt have diapers, formula, bottles, we already went through the few clothes we did have in the hospital. I had to send home clothes to be washed so he would have stuff to wear during our stay at the hospital. We had my parents go out and buy a new carseat. We needed everything he used to be clean and free of any germs. I had my mom germ-x our whole house.  They said we could go home whenever we were ready. I stayed as long as I could. We stayed the complete 48 hours. The car ride home was very nerve racking. We stopped by walmart to pick up my prescriptions, diapers and formula. (Tate and I stayed in the car) When we got home, my mom had bathed the kids and they were ready for Tate. I was so happy Kevin and Allie were going to be able to spend time with Tate and that they were going to get to know him. We all are! 
Tates journey isnt over. He has come a long way...while some days are harder that others, each day is a blessing!!! We have had 39 days with Tate so far. He is our little missionary. Everyday Tate is fulfilling his purpose and ultimately HIS purpose!
Thank you for your prayers and encouragement!


Lindsey said...

Thank you so much...I'm a puddle now! =) Thank you for letting us into this wonderful story.

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Ashley said...

Precious. Cricket, if I was at school I would be coming for YOU today! I would need to tell you that I love who you are. I see Jesus in you, and I am honored to be in your path, along your journey. I am so glad that I can now grasp Tate's full story- up until today. I know his story is continually being written, and I appreciate you sharing! Happy Birthday Week, Tate!

Nicole Hays said...

Wow!!! How awesome and strong are you. Do you ever just sit in amazement that our precious baby boys are worshipping with our Great and Wonderful Heavenly Father. They have seen him face to face and are at his hands and feet. I so understand your grief and pain but I also know the happiness of holding the special blessing God bestowed upon us. Happy Birthday Tate, give Tucker a big hug from his mommy!

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