He shot His arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. YET I DARE to Hope when I remember this: The UNFAILING Love of the Lord NEVER ENDS! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.
Lamentations 3:13,19-22

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

We went to labor and delivery today to check on some contractions Ive been having. They gave me a terbutaine shot to stop the contractions but they came back worse and were happening every 2 mins. About 2 hours later they gave me a second shot. It worked Praise The Lord! The side effects of the meds make me feel very shaking, like my heart is going to jump out! But Im thankful it stopped the contractions and Tate is staying put!! The meds didnt effect Tate and his little heart, so I am very thankful for that! We are now home! We got to see Tate on an u/s just for a quick minute to check his movement and breathing. His level of fluid is very high but that is to be expected! He is moving "very well for a T-18 baby"! I was so proud of him. Shocking doctors! ;) Thank you for your prayers!!! Hoping to get some rest tonight and praying Tate will stay put for mommy! I love him so much! I am so thankful for the doctors and nurses. They were very understanding to our wishes with Tate from the beginning! 

Thursday, March 24, 2011

When everyday has tears

Whether their tears of joy or sorrow, I cry everyday for our son!
I cant wait to meet him.
 To look at his sweet face and to smell his skin. To see who he looks like,
count his fingers and toes, and see if he has hair like his
brother and sister. I cant wait to
see Kevin and Allie with him. I cant wait to finally meet the little 
boy who has changed my life!   
Its so beautiful outside today and I think- will Tate see these days? will he be able to run and
play in the backyard with Kevin and Allie? 
Its so hard to not know.
What I do know is that even if hes not running around in my backyard, he will be running
around in heavens "backyard". I cant imagine what heavens like. Im sure no one can adequately describe it.
I love the beach so I like to imagine a part of heaven for us beach lovers with the bluest ocean and the softest white sand.
I will forever see Tate with he toes in the sand playing in a perfect place.
I may not be able to hold his hand and walk down the beach but he will have the Lord hands.
Can you imagine?!?! Its overwhelming!   
I want the Lord to heal Tate more than Ive wanted anything in my entire life! These
thoughts, while they are my very own and Im sorry
if you disagree with them, they are what help me get through the hard days.

Our preacher said something in church a few weeks ago and I will never forget it.
There will be pain and suffering BUT there will be Paradise!

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

Monday, March 21, 2011

Please say an extra pray for David today. He is going to get info about making arrangements for Tate at the funeral home.
Its going to be very hard! I feel I have been able to go to countless appointments, but when it comes to this, I am at a brick wall.
I thank the Lord for such an amazing husband!
Yes, we still believe in the Lord to heal our son. This is just part of preparing!
Thank you for your continuous prayers!

*Just an update-
When David got home from going to a few places, we feel no need to continue these plans. We are preparing for a miracle!

Yesterday we missed church. Not for the reason of wanting to sleep
in but because I have been having Braxton Hicks contractions since lunch saturday.
No, I havent called my doctor, yet. I dont
know why really. I guess because Im scared of what she will
tell me. At this point there is nothing I can do to change
how Tates life will unfold and that terrifies me. I can only trust God to give me peace about the things that will happen.  
Tate is still moving around in between contractions so I know he is still with us.
I feel my body is just preparing for Tate. I pray he waits a little longer because Im not ready.
Tonight I was taking a bath (trying to relax) and I was just sitting there
talking to God. Having my quite time. I picked up Davids bathroom bible and started to read the Book of Job.
I, to be honest, have never read it all the way through. Sad, I know. I have heard the story many, many times in church and
others lately have referred to the story several times while encouraging us.
I feel so blessed by reading it.
Several times I thought about our situation while reading it. I cant wait to finish it.
It always amazes me how many times you can read a story in the bible and read them differently each time, all because of where you are in life. Job, to me, was always a man that had everything taken from him but refused to curse God. I never really had anything in my life happen that I feel I could understand his pain, until now. While Job and I are nothing alike, I still have 2 healthy kids, a loving husband (who has been watching me like a hawk), a wonderful family, and so many wonderful friends. But now that we are facing the possibility of the death of our son, Ive been seeing hes story and pain differently! Especially when he talks about trying to understand why he was chosen to have all those things happen to him. I wonder all the time, why us? While I feel I can honestly say I dont believe we are going through this because of some sin in Davids or my life. I feel maybe its for us to be examples. Although this is what has been laid before us to go through and I am devastated, I feel this Lord has good reason and Im not made at him nor do I resent him. I will praise the One who is Holy!
He is Good and has a plan for us.
I feel we as humans think that believing in God protects us from trouble. When problems come up in our lives, we tend to question God' s goodness and justice. I know the first thought, why are we were going through this. Was it for me, for David , or for someone I dont know, but I never once questioned the Lords presence and goodness. I feel I have learned that we should not give up on God when He allows us to have hard experiences. Faith in God does not guarantee our lives to be perfect, and the lack of faith doesnt guarantee troubles in this life. 
God is more than capable of rescuing us from suffering, but he may allow suffering for reasons we cannot understand. Satans plan is to get us to doubt God. David and I have tried very hard to see only God in this situation but Satan makes it so easy to want to blame God for allowing this to happen but I hate to tell him that I believe in the Lord more than I believe his (satans) lies! Sometimes I think that people (even David and I) fall into the trap of satan. To assume that if you live a righteous life, you are ENTITLED to a life of personal comfort.
What I find comforting is that our son will only know love! If the Lord decides to take him home before we can meet him, He will never have to live in this terrible world. He will be in the Lords arms! While I still believe the Lord can heal our son, these are the thoughts that get me through the day when I fear not having Tate. David and I will face things no parent should have to but we will praise the One who is the maker of Tate and of all things!
God never said life would be easy. And let me tell you as a mother, this is the hardest thing I have ever faced!!! But let me also tell you this, I have never been so close to the Lord in all my life. I know that He is comforting me and giving me my strength. He will never leave me!
Sometimes in this world where everything happens instantly, never have to wait for anything for very long, get a burger in 2 minutes in the drive thu, waiting, heaven forbid for you computer to load in 4 seconds rather than 1 second. There is always a better something that is faster than the one you have. We have lost the ability to wait patiently through our hard times.
We even expect to learn patience instantly, and in our hurry, we fail to see the contradiction.
If we always knew why we were suffering and when it would end, I feel our faith would have no room to grow!


Thursday, March 17, 2011

There are so many things going on in my life lately. Right when I think I cant handle anymore....guess what happens? Sometimes I wonder (still) why are we going through this? I thought maybe I had an answer a few weeks ago.
But truth be told I dont think I'll have an answer. The Lord only knows! 
I have tried walking this weary path with my eyes set on the Lord! I feel the devil has literally been throwing rocks in my path!!!
Only the Lord is going to give me strength.
He will be holding my hand and He will catch all my tears!
He will be with me when I dont understand certain situations, when I dont understand why some people (I love) act the way they do!
He will get me through everyday that I have doubt!
He will hold my hand when the devil puts people in my path to discourage me, when people act out! Do people really think I have time for that stuff right now?
Im so emotionally tired I cant even begin to understand certain things!
I feel I have been tested and tested and IM TIRED!!! The thought of how hard it will be in the coming weeks, months and yes even years! Trying to balance the hope and the doubt, the reality and the dream, what people think I should be doing and what the Lord is having me do!
All I want is my son to be healthy, to bring him home and to hold and love on him and never let go. I dont know if I will get to do that! And thats unbearable!
Every trip to the doctors, I cling to the hope that they will tell me Tates completely healthy!
I dont know what tomorrow holds. I only know the Lord is who get me through these times!

I feel I am like a wave in the sea being blown and tossed by the wind!

"But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt,
because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea,
blown and tossed by the wind."
James 1:6 (NIV)

Monday, March 7, 2011

Yesterday we had our maternity photo shoot with the most talented photographer in the world, Natalie Spargo.

I will cherish these pictures for the rest of my life.
So many emotions ran through me while we were doing this shoot!
I love them all!!!

The man who holds me together!

One of my absolute favorites!

Kevin loves Talking to Tate!

Almost lost it here. Such a blessing to carry our little guy! He has made me a better person!
I have no words. Natalie knows how to capture the moment!

 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26 

Friday, March 4, 2011

I feel I need to clear up a few things...
I guess by all our planning, trying to prepare for Tates arrival we have shown a lack of faith in the Lord to heal our son.
Let me just say here and now I believe with all my heart the Lord can heal Tate.
I have never once doubted the Lords presence or sovereignty throughout this situation!
Im not sure where others feel they are seeing this to begin with honestly!
I can tell you it hurts to have our faith questioned. Especially now. I have never been more aware of the presence of the Lord in my life EVER! I guess until your in this situation you cant fully understand what we are facing...
We feel we need to prepare. Yes we are hoping that all the bad planning is plan B!
Everything I have written in my blog is just a mother trying to make sense of all that has be given to her. 
YES I am devastated that this is what has been laid before us to handle, NO I dont doubt a miracle!
Just because I am sad or because we are recognizing what the doctors have told us is wrong with Tate doesnt mean we arent trusting the Lord to heal Tate!
I apologize for not saying we believe in a miracle more!


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Today I went into the kitchen and noticed it was time to turn the calendar to the next month.
Today is the 1st of March. I get sick to my stomach just thinking its a new month. Its getting closer to Tates due date and I find myself sad. Usually you cant wait for each month to pass when your pregnant! I hate when each day passes much less a month! Its just one day closer to meeting him. I cant wait to meet him, to feel his soft skin, to kiss his cheeks, to tell him I love him BUT I fear the part where I may have to say good bye.

“From the end of the earth I will cry to you when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”- Psalm 61:2