He shot His arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. YET I DARE to Hope when I remember this: The UNFAILING Love of the Lord NEVER ENDS! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.
Lamentations 3:13,19-22

Friday, February 25, 2011

Making a Birth Plan

Making a birth plan is harder than I ever imagined it would be.
I have a pen and a blank page, trying so desperately to come up with the "right" decisions for Tates little life.
I have looked online for other tri-18 families birth plans.
After talking to UAB, I feel they are going to do whatever we choose is right.
BUT I keep coming back to a blank page.
How do I plan for this?
How do I make these decisions?
What if I make the wrong choices?
I know with the Lords help I can do it, but let me be human for a minute and say
I CANT DO THIS!!!


Thursday, February 24, 2011

Update on Tate



Our hearts are broken. I cant tell you how hard this has been.
Yesterday we went to UAB for an appointment to talk about the steps to take in the care of Tate and myself.
We will continue to see a high risk doctor every 2-3 weeks until the Lord decides its time for us to meet Tate.
That time could be anytime between now and my due date.
Dr. B has given Tate an 85% chance not to make it to birth, and if I do go into labor closer to our due date, he may be a stillborn.
He thinks Tates heart just isnt strong enough. In most cases of Tri-18, the placentas of these special babies are not enough to support their little bodies throughout pregnancy.
We were told that it wouldnt be best to intervene on his life. We told him we are preparing for "comfort care". We dont want to put Tates little body through too much. We have a peace about this decision. We know this isnt a decision for everyone but its what we feel the Lords wants for us. We dont want to put him through anything painful! We want him comfortable. We want him in our arms for as long as we have with him!
We will no longer see the pediatric cardiologist.
We also should be getting a call from someone who is in charge of making all the arraignments to what we want before and after birth. She is going to set up an appointment for us to get a tour of the hospital. That way we can see a labor and deliver room, look at the NICU and to talk to a nicu doctor. Today I will be calling my regular doctor at Shelby to transfer. I love Dr. S and I am sad to transfer, but I want Tate to be in the best care. Shelby just doesnt have enough experience with Tri-18. UAB is well equipped to handle anything that comes their way with our situation. The have nurses just to handle our special situation.
What I find comforting now is that our Lord knows no numbers!!!
He is the one who will have the final say on Tates life!
 Thank you for your prayers and support!
Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

I know that this is going to be the hardest thing we will ever do!

The other day I took the kids to the park. We hadnt told the kids any of this for 2 reasons, 1) They are so young, 2) We wanted to make sure that Tate did have tri-18 before we told the kids. We didnt want to confuse them.
Kevin has been handling it so well.
We have kept it age appropriate!!
Allie still doesnt understand much.
I took the kids to the park last Monday. We were walking around the pond. Allie was running around in front of us and Kevin grabbed my hand. I felt the Lord gave us that time, so I used it to explain what was going on with his baby, brother.
I asked him did he know where heaven was?
He point to the sky.
I said thats right.
I asked do you know who lives there?
He said Jesus.
I said thats right!
I said you know where Tate is?
He pointed to my tummy.
I said thats right.
Well he ran off to look at the fih and turtles. I dont want to push it so I let him play. When we got to another point by the pond it was just he and I. We continued the conversation and I asked again, did he know where Jesus lived? He again pointed to the sky. We sat there for awhile talking about thing God made. He made the clouds, the fish, the turtles, then he said me (himself), Allie and the water. I said yes God made everything. He even made mommy, daddy and baby Tate. He got a big smile on his face.
I asked, do you know where people go when they no longer live here on earth. I was searching for the right words. I feel the words death and die are hard for an adult to understand much less a four year old. I know the Lord was helping me because He said like when someone dies? I said yes. He said heaven. I said thats right! I said if Jesus lives in your heart you go to heaven. Again trying to keep it age appropriate. I said you know how Tate lives in mommys tummy. I told him that Tate may go to live with Jesus when hes born. He just sat there and then said that sounds like fun! I said yes it does. I asked him how did it make him feel? He told me he was happy for Tate. He asked is that why you were crying yesterday. I said yes. It makes mom sad but I know that Tate will be happy with Jesus. He said me too! Then ran off to play.
I was shocked. He understood more than I ever thought he would. I feel the Lord blessed that conversation!

*please dont tell me I did that wrong. That will only upset me more! I feel the Lord put the RIGHT words in my heart to asked Kevin. Everything I have talked to Kevin about he has been very receptive. I know Im not scaring him. We feel want him to be prepared just as we are. He knows hes getting a brother but I dont want him confused when things happen.***

Friday, February 18, 2011

Today our worst fear came true

Today our worst fear came true.
Our son has been diagnosed with Trisomy 18.
 There are no words to express what I feel right now. Its hard to imagine Tate moving, kicking and squirming around that he, in a medical standpoint, will have no chance of survival outside the womb. I will praise and worship the One who has the power to heal my son!
While David and I cried on the kitchen floor, we I feel the presence of The Lord telling us to simply trust Him. ....and that is what we will do. 
I dont know what each day will hold much less this minute. All I know is....
"God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
"

Psalm 46:1



Monday, February 14, 2011

Doctors Appointments and the Lords Timing!

Today we had a doctors appointment with my regular OB in alabaster.
He is an amazing doctor and I trust him to tell me what medical steps to take next in this process! I believe our Lord is the Greatest Physician! I also believe the Lord has put these doctors in our path to do what is necessary for Tates health! We have decided through much prayer and careful consideration of all the dangers of an amnio, that an amniocentesis is what we should do next!! 
After my appointment David went on to work while I went to pick up Kevin and Allie from my parents. On the way home we stopped by Davids office. Talking to David for a minute about the next steps to making the appointment with Dr. D at UAB. I was worried we wouldnt get an amnio before my mind goes crazy. Dr S says their really busy and the it may take up to 2 weeks to get an appointment.
Dr. S left it up to us to call and make the necessary arrangements to get the amnio. 
 When they say the Lord as PERFECT timing...their right! While talking to David, UAB called to confirm my next appointment on the 23rd. She asked if I needed to schedule anything else? This was our opportunity to schedule the amnio. So I did!
Thank you for all your prayer!!
 It could take up to a week after the amnio to get the results!



Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint


Thursday, February 10, 2011

The Lord works in mysterious ways!


I was sitting in the den reading a book called I will Carry You (crying my eyes out) while the kids were napping.   
I asked for your prayers a few days ago and I was battling with whether or not to write hospital bills on there. None of the reasons were that important but I put it up anyway. 
I know alot of you have been asking me for specific prayer request so you can pray specifically!
It has been a quite day! But I just got a random call from the UAB billing department!
She asked questions about our address, my date birth and if our insurance was with BCBS.
 I was thinking ok this is when we set up a payment plan.
- Im calling you regarding your level two ultrasound bill.
Me- yes we got in the mail.
- You have Blue Cross right?
Me- Yes thats right...
-We are just letting you know that today we are doing courtesy calls. Your bill was never filed to your insurance. We are going to send it over to them. Is that ok?
I couldnt believe I was so worried what people would think of me if I asked for prayer about bills. My insurance should cover up to 80% of our bills (except for ultrasound) We praise the Lord for answering our prayers!  Thank you for taking time to pray for us SPECIFICALLY!

 Last night we were thinking when it rains it pours! Our heater went out! As we sat in a cold den last wrapped up in a blanket and the kids asleep in their warm beds with little space heaters, we were thinking, this situation has brought us so much closer to the Lord! We trust Him completely!! Later last night the heater started working after David went outside to fidget with it. If you know David he LOVES to fidget! The kids were in their beds and I went out to see if he needed help with holding the flash light. As the snow fell on us we sat there in complete awe of the Lord! It was so beautiful outside!
 I feel Ive learned so much these past few weeks! Whether Im worried about something as small as the heater, hospital bills, or as big as my child's life, the Lord is always there and will provide peace and understanding to our every need!!!  I dont know what the Lord as in store for our family in coming months but I pray everyday for the wisdom to know how to bring Him all the glory no matter the outcome!! I have never been more scared and at peace at the same time. But I do know the Lord is my refuge and strength in this time of unknown, even when I feel I have nothing left!


 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
Matthew 6:25-27


"God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
"
Psalm 46:1


"Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me."
John 14:1


  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30



Tuesday, February 8, 2011

 




“From the end of the earth I will cry to you when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”- Psalm 61:2