He shot His arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. YET I DARE to Hope when I remember this: The UNFAILING Love of the Lord NEVER ENDS! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.
Lamentations 3:13,19-22

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Giving Tate what he deserves

This past week has been rough to say the least. I have been debating on whether or not to set up a place for Tate. I know youve heard me say I cant set up a crib so I decided to set up the pack n' play. I have put blankets and the stuffed animals Kevin and Allie Faith are going to give their baby brother in there. I put a quote up that my sweet in laws gave us when we first found out Tate diagnoses. It says "Everyday Hold A Possibility Of A Miracle". Its so true!
I know some will think that Im setting myself up for disappointment BUT I feel Tate deserves a mommy and daddy that have hope of healing! Tate deserves so much more than I have been giving! So I have set up a place to have if we bring him home even if its for a short time! Thats what Im Hoping and PRAYING for! That I have time with my son!

waiting for a picture

Monday, April 25, 2011

Sweet Moments with Tate

Tonight I was looking up my blog to do a little updating. As you know when my blog pops up my music comes on. Well I had the computer in my lap and Tate kicks so hard the computer moves. When I muted it he stopped then I played it again and he kicked again. It brings a whole new meaning to "theres a party in my tummy". For those of you that dont know that song its from yo gabba gabba. I dont recommend watching that show! The songs NEVER leave your head. Anyways I have worried ever since they told us Tate had cyst on his brain that he wouldnt hear things outside the womb but now that we know hes cyst are gone and he kicks at different noises, it just makes my heart melt. To know that he does hear me and we can bond...its amazing!
So now we listen to music together. Ive been sitting here playing him music for an hour and I dont plan on stopping. This makes me so happy!
Our play list:
Jesus loves me
Deep and Wide
The Itsy Bitsy Spider
 He's Got The Whole World In His Hands
plus my blog playlist ; )
As a mother who doesnt know if she'll ever get to teach her son these fun songs its nice to share them with him now.

Friday, April 22, 2011

I dont know how to being this post. I just feel the Lord has laid something on my heart to share. Im just going to type what comes to mind and I hope you understand. I posted something the other day about how nesting has been so hard and that preparing for Tates last moments here on earth have consumed my every thought. I thought about deleting the post but I feel its what I was going through that day and think that everyday comes with its own challenges...this is my journey.  This blog has been a way for me to vent and tell our story! This hasnt been an easy path! Hope has been very hard to come by lately. I pray Tate will be healed but somehow I think the devil is messing with my ability to see past grief. I want so badly for Tate to be healed but I dont know if thats Gods will. There has been no way of planning for whats to come. There is no set path for tri-18. Every baby is different. I think Ive been preparing my heart for the worst. I have been told by some many doctors that trisomy 18 is not fixable. Theres nothing I can do to change it or could have done to prevent it. I dont know their religious beliefs all I know is that my God is the greatest physician. I cant setup a crib because I dont think I will have enough strength to take it down. Theres only some much a person can do and go through before their hope is completely demolished. So why havent I prepared for Tate any other way? I think its been my way of protecting my heart. Its been a way to keep myself from being too hurt as if I can somehow soften the blow of whats to come. Kind of like "pregrieving". Everyday I am consumed by this. Every moment of the day is thinking, planning and preparing myself for whats to come. So regardless to how I think I can prepare for this, its going to happen the way the Lord wants it to. I cant control how it turns out. So in my effort to being more hopeful, I have a new prayer. Im going to pray that I stop trying to predict how "I" think this will play out and try seeing a more positive side to preparing for Tate no matter how long or short the time we have with him.

Matthew 8:26 He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

Matthew 17: 20 He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

John 11:40  Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"

Thank you for your prayers! If you prayed that my hope be renewed, God bless you!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Doctor visit update

Today we went to our routine doctor appointment. We waited 2 and half hours but on the plus side we got to see Tate on the ultrasound. Well I got to see him. David was down stairs with the kids. We didnt have anyone to watch the kids so we just took them with us. There is plenty of room to run around at UAB. I was a little sad that the tech wouldnt wait on David. She was in a hurry and was just checking his fluid levels. I was thinking that she would be a little more understanding to our situation. Everytime we see Tate on the ultrasound is just a way for us to connect.
Tates fluid level is at 26 and 25 is the high. Its not too bad. He looks good. Sucking his hand as always. From what the tech could tell he was sucking. Sucking reflex are a little harder for tri-18. (PTL for the little things) Heartbeat good. Dr. Davis was very positive. No swelling. Preeclampsia is very common for women carrying tri-18 babies around now. It causes early labor, but I passed all my sugar test and levels all look good. Ive only gained 6 pounds at this point. Hes still very tiny. Going back in 2 weeks. Thank you for your continued prayers! 

Friday, April 8, 2011

Stickers on Baby Tate

Its been raining on and off all day!
We got out some craft stuff to make birthday cards and we found some stickers.
The kids didnt want to put the stickers on their paper...they wanted to put them on baby Tate.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

My trip to the moon!

Today we had two appointments. 1st- was with a neonatologist to discuss our birth plan... 2nd- was with our regular doctor, Dr. K. Our appointment with Dr. Phillips (neonatologist) went very well.  Dr. K just wanted us to talk to him so that the everyone that will care for Tate understands our wishes.
Today 10 babies were born so Dr. K was busy so we saw Dr. D. We waited and waited and waited...FINALLY we saw Dr. D. We talked about the contractions Ive been having. I was sure
they were gonna be put on some kind of bed rest...Praise the Lord they didnt! I just need to take it easy!
We will see Dr. K or Dr. D every two weeks now.
I asked him when will we start having ultrasounds. We were told that
we would have an ultrasound every other appointment just to check if there are any changes.
He offered to do one today because it was already 4:30 and we wouldnt have to wait too long.
I JUMPED on that opportunity!
We went into the dark ultrasound room and I layed on the table. The ultrasound tech was the same lady who help with
our amnio. She is the most gentle ultrasound tech Ive ever had! 
She put the jelly on my tummy and we watched as our little boy popped up on the screen. 
I had tears in my eyes just watching him. She started looking at all his measurements. We were talking about how he had been diagnosed
with Trisomy 18. She said she hadnt looked at our chart but noticed some things looked a little different.
I told her he had 2 holes in his heart, cysts on his brain, clenched fist, and was small.
She went on to show us that his head was already down.
I asked how the cyst looked.
She said....The cyst were GONE!!
We knew that the cyst could  go away.... AND THEY DID! Praise be to GOD!
It doesn't change his diagnosis but my hope becomes so much stronger when I get this kind of news.
One of my favorite verses is Psalm 61:2
From the end of the earth will I cry to you, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that higher than I
I have been so overwhelmed by all that has happened and all the planning we've had to do. It feels like Im drowning but today
I feel Lord led me to a rock that was higher than I! It is an AMAZING feeling!
After she did all her measurements...I thought we were done. I was thinking I could look at his little profile picture all day...then all the sudden she clicked on the 4D ultrasound! I saw his face... I saw all his little features...his lips, his nose, his eyes and his little hands
I just broke down! She said she was sorry and that she could take it off if it was too much and I told her no that it
was perfect! There are no words to describe what I felt at that moment! All I thought was thank you Lord! Prayer works!
I think the Lord knows I needed this!
I was so happy to see Tate on a plain ultrasound but to see him on a 4D ultrasound and see all his little features was...
AMAZING! I serve an AWESOME God! Even though this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and there are some days I dont
know how to get to the next minute, as if Im walking in a fog, the Lord wraps me in His loving arms and gives me strength!
My hope and strength is in the Lord! I will have hope that Tate can be healed until the time comes to think otherwise.
I have been so emotionally tired that its hard to think clearly some days but 
today was a good day!

While everyday has tears...today they were happy tears!
Here is the little boy who has changed my life! All 2 pounds and 9 ounces of him!

He looks so happy.
Isnt he BEAUTIFUL!!!