He shot His arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. YET I DARE to Hope when I remember this: The UNFAILING Love of the Lord NEVER ENDS! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.
Lamentations 3:13,19-22

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

A Box Of Cake Mix

How can a box of cake mix make me cry like this?
This box was to be Tates 8th week birthday cake. Every week the kids and I tried to come up with different and fun ways to celebrate Tates weekly birthdays. Every Monday night we would make a plan of what we were going to do. Some weeks we did cookies, cupcakes and his 7th week Gigi make him (us) a pound cake. It gave the kids something to do for Tate. No matter how awful it turned out, the kids did it for their baby brother! It was time I got to spend with them.
Every day I look into the kitchen cabinet and I see this unused cake mix. I cant seem to even move it! I wont throw it out and I cant bring myself to make it. I just look at it and it makes me sad. Tate was 7 weeks and 4 days old when he left. He was so close to his 8th week birthday!
There are so many thing that I cant seem to move. There are 3 little bottles with formula in the fridge that were for his next feeding. They are still in the fridge in the same spot I put them when I made them that day. I have tons of diapers and formula that Tate never used that I have packed up in the car to take to Save-A-Life and I have gone out to the car every time and brought them back in the house. I want to give them to help with donations but I cant seem to do it. I will soon.  
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers for our family!

Psalm 34:18 18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
      he rescues those whose spirits are crushed

Week 1

Week 2

Week 3

Week 4
Tate and Daddys birthday!
Sometimes friends or family would bring us a cake to help celebrate. Both David and I shared birthdays with Tate.

Week 5
I look so bad. I just got home from Liams funeral. He was the sweetest little boy. It was the first time I had ever been away from Tate.  Its amazes how many emotions I had that day.  Tate and Liam, I know are playing together right now.

Week 6
Tate and mommys birthday. 6 weeks and 26 year old

Week 7
I cant find our family picture fo week 7. I have looked and look. I will find it and post it later.

Week 7.
What a beautiful baby boy!

Helping Mommy Make Baby Tates Cakes and Cookies!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

One year ago today

One year ago David had a church softball game. He went straight to the game after work. The kids and I stayed home because the game wouldnt be over til late. David called after the game was over to say he was headed home. I told him I had a surprise for him when he got back. When he walked in the door he wasnt really thinking about the surprise, he just kissed me on my check and headed towards the shower.....As soon as he shut the door he said (with a low toned voice) c-r-i-c-k-e-t.... I just sat calmly on the couch as he REopened the door with full force! You see I had left the pregnancy test on the counter. He came in the den where I was just sitting...He had it in his hand, waiting for me to explain. I said "oh yeah..... WE"RE GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BABY!!!!" We were so excited! In the midst of our excitement, we woke the kids! We told them they were getting another baby sister or brother! They as any 1 and 4 year would act...they were happy but ready for bed. We put them back to bed and sat of the couch. We talked for hours about doctors appointments, what we thought the due date was, if it would be a boy or a girl, names, how the kidswould act with a new baby around... everything newly expectant parents talk about! While nothing happened like we thought it would, the Lord blessed us with Tate. No matter how different things turned out, the Lord knew even before I was pregnant, what Tates life would be like!
Its very hard to imagine what this next year will like. All his first without him are going to be extremely hard! But we have faith that the Lord will carry us through them all!

 13 For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book    before one of them came to be. 17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

53 Days in Heaven

53 days ago Tate went to be with the Lord. It doesnt seem that long ago.  Everyday I miss him just as much as I did the day he left. He was such a fighter. Hes been in heaven 53days.... I cant imagine the beauty or wonders he has seen. I know he is being loved on by our Lord and Savior and so many loved ones.
What is it like? Ive said before I wish heaven had visiting hours. I wish I could see what he sees. I want to know who he talks to. Can you imagine the conversations hes has with Noah, about his big boat, Peter, Paul or my Grandaddy, who I hope tells him all about what I was like as a child and David grandparents that tell him what his daddy was like too OR Jesus who tells him all the reason why he was born, and how much He loved him. He love him so much that He knew Tate would be a perfect vessel. I wonder if Mary or Hannah hold him. Does Hannah know the baby she holds was prayed for just as she prayed for her son, Samuel. I have tears streaming down my face as I imagine this. She prayed and gave her son to the Lord just as I did. 27 I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. 28 So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.”  Tates whole life, for 53 days Tate served a great purpose. I knew that everyday he was here, he was here for a reason. He was here to used by the Lord. He never said one word but he showed the Lords Power, Grace, Mercy and Love! It has been a hard road, and the journey isnt over. I wouldnt trade his 53 days or the 39 weeks and 4 days that I carried him or even this unimaginable pain I feel everyday for anything in this world. Being Tates mommy, even though it was a short time, it made be a better person and Tate is worth every bit of it. I wish with everything I have in me that I was still holding him. I wish I could just feel his skin and hold his little hands one more time. He fought for 53 days and now he is in the most amazing place where there is no pain! I know he felt our love but now he feels the ultimate LOVE! What brings me comfort and peace now is knowing one day, I will hold him for all eternity! So Tate, you just let Sweet Jesus hold you til Mommy and Daddy can. I will hold you soon!


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Tates Bracelets

About a week ago I ordered some awareness rubber bracelets for David and I to wear with Tates name on them. I ended up ordering about 100! I posted on Facebook that I would be ordering them and everyone said they would love to have one or two...or ten! It really touched my heart that everyone wanted a bracelet. I got them in the mail yesterday! I was afraid that they wouldnt turn out right BUT they look great! I ordered light blue (trisomy-18 awareness) and Navy. 
The front says: Baby Tate and the Back says: granted 53

I even ordered some small enough for the kids to wear!


Thursday, September 15, 2011


I was listening my 70's and 80's music and I was reminded of summers spent at my Mimi and Granddaddys in Dothan. All those mornings looking out the windows while eating breakfast and Mimi calling granddaddy saying - Ed, cows are out again, driving the red truck with granddaddy, walking a million miles up and down that dirt drive way, trying to keep up with my brother Chase and cousin Josh, jumping fences and playing in the field next to the house in Montgomery, talking all night about who knows what with Mallorie and Courtney, Brooke trying to keeping us in line, going to Water World, having Cam, Ryan, Josh, Chase and Granddady make you laugh til you pee your pants..... I miss those days! I miss sitting around the table, hearing old stories about my Gran leaving her sister on the porch naked because my Gran waits for no one. I never get tired of that one! Spending the night at Grans (because Im sure Mimi needed at break from all us crazy grandkids) trying to sit her awful green couch that was made out of this slick fabric, that you slid off of every time you tried sitting on it. I want that couch! Mimi telling us, in her sweet voice, beds were for sleeping not for sitting. No naps in the day! Now that I have kids, I understand why that is. I understand alot of things. I learned so much from them before I understood I needed it. I look back on all the advice that I didnt think I needed at the time but now I treasure those conversations. All these important people that have help mold me into the person I am. I miss the way things were! Life was simple before I understood the way things truly are! While I dont wish to be a kid again, I do wish that I could re-live some moments! I cant wait to see everyone this weekend at my sisters wedding. My family is very important to me! Hope they all are there if they can be! I know there will be alot of family that cant be there. My cousin Ryan is serving in Afghanistan . I know he cant wait to come home and we cant wait for him to be home! So many sweet family members that have already gone to be with the Lord. My Granddaddy, Liam and Tate. I cant even begin to imagine the beauty and wonders that they see! We will miss you more than words could express!