On June 7th 2011, David and I woke up knowing we would be meeting the little boy who changed our lives. After months and months of planning, we were finally going to put all of our plans in to motion. We felt so much peace as we drove to the hospital. I believed with all my heart that the Lord would give us what we asked... time with Tate. There was no way to predict what was going to take place that day. All we could do was have faith and total trust that the Lord would guide us through it all!
Before we got out of the car, we prayed the Lord would wraps His arms around us and that His Will would be done.
We got up to the 3rd floor and went into our room. I put the gown on and got in the bed. We then started my IV. The nurse told us that she read our birth plan for comfort care only. I was so pleased that everyone that had anything to do with Tate's birth took the time to read and understand our wishes. We had several doctors come in at first. While I was getting my epidural, David went downstairs to give family and friends an update and to call our grief counselor, and photographer.
My labor was progressing a lot slower than I thought I would. After what seemed to be forever, my nurse broke my water. In that moment reality set in....he was coming! There was no turning back. 12:00 passed, 2:00 passed, 4:00 passed. I was still at 4 cm. I started to feel this terrible pain in my back. We were about to meet Tate face to face. All the sudden there was a shift in the atmosphere. Nurses and doctors were in and out. Our nurse checked Tate's heart rate one last time before I started to push. It was 140, as it had been all day. I don't remember how long I pushed or how many people were in the room, I just remember closing my eyes and praying. As each contraction came, I pushed and prayed. At 6:14pm Tate was born! I remember opening my eyes and through the tears I saw his tiny body. The doctor was holding him and one of his eyes was open. I put my arms out to hold him and she put him on my chest. Then, our nurse said the worst words I've ever heard...."He’s already gone. I can’t find a heartbeat. I'm so sorry."- The next four minutes would be the worst and longest of our lives.
David just wrapped his arms around Tate and I. We cried and we loved on him....our hearts were broken. For that small moment the world faded away and I was holding my baby. The baby I prayed for, the baby that changed our lives and so many others. I was holding my Tate but he was gone. He was safe in the arms of Jesus.
I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.- 1 Samuel 1:27
I felt this unexplainable peace. Something I will never me be able to fully describe. I stopped crying. It was like an out of body experience. Like the world was spinning but I was still. I remember hearing lots of crying. Crying from David, crying from all the nurses and doctors. I finally pulled myself together to look at our little miracle. But before I looked at Tate, I gave thanks to the Lord. I remember telling God even though Tate was in the arm of Jesus, I was grateful He had chosen me to be his mommy and that I wasn’t mad that his time on earth was short. As I pulled my head away from David to look at Tate, he moved! The nurse came right over to us. She felt his cord and said, "he has a heartbeat, it's not strong but it's there. Let's rub his back."
Be still in the presence of the LORD, and wait patiently for him to act. Psalm 37:7
She then asked if I wanted her to take him over to the warmer and put oxygen in his face. She knew that oxygen was as far as we would go because we had chosen Comfort Care. I wanted him to be comfortable. I watched as David talked to Tate and touched his hands and toes. Every so often he would look at me and shake his head yes and lip... "he’s breathing, he’s ok". God had brought him back to us! David carried Tate over to me and his eyes were open. He was perfect and he was ALIVE!
And Live, Let him live. Psalm 72:15
We knew we were moment by moment with him but that was the last thing on my mind. I wanted the kids to meet him! Kevin and Allie Faith came in to meet and love on him. After that our family came in a few at a time. I felt I couldn't stop smiling. We had been blessed and God had done a miracle. Before our nurse left she said...”God was in this room". I was amazed that God used our tiny son to show His infinite power.
After Davids family left, we had a few more people that wanted to meet Tate but he started having a difficult time breathing. He was grunting. So all 20 of the NICU doctors came in- I cannot begin to tell you how scared I was. They took Tate from me to give him more oxygen and put him under the warmer. They all had our birth plan in their back pockets. It was hard to concentrate and understand everything they were saying and focus on Tate. It was all I could do to not to fall apart in front of them. They gave Tate back to me and said- "just love on him as much as you can." They walked out the door and I fell apart! I cried and cried. I couldn't stop. I felt I wasn't strong enough to let go. All those months and months of preparing went out the window. A new nurse came in and wanted to move us to the 6th floor recovery. I couldn't move! I finally got myself together long enough to get my clothes on and go to the 6th floor. David pushed Tate in the bassinet and I got in a wheel chair. The nurses were so wonderful they did everything we asked and more. A NICU doctor came up to check on us. She was so kind and very understanding. She told me she read our birth plan and thought it was so touching.... Not one detail was left out. She said if we needed anything she would be there. That night I didn't sleep. I don't think I slept the whole time we were there. That night was the hardest. I felt like I was just waiting for the end to happen. A NICU doctor would come in every 4 hours and check his heart rate and oxygen saturation levels. His numbers looked good and he started to eat! We were feeding him with a syringe. Most of hospital stay is a blur. We had lots of visitors and no sleep. The NICU doctors suggested we have a hospice program help us when we go home. WHEN WE GO HOME!?! I was overwhelmed with love for the Lord. The Lord was giving us what we asked of Him... time.
The LORD has granted me what I asked of him.- 1 Samuel 1:27
When we got home, my mom had bathed the kids and they were ready for Tate. I was overwhelmingly happy that we were going to be able to spend time with with our miracle.
Tates journey isn't over. He has come a long way...while some days are harder that others, each day is a blessing!!! We have had 39 days with Tate so far. Everyday Tate is fulfilling his purpose but ultimately God's purpose!
Thank you for your prayers and encouragement!
