He shot His arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. YET I DARE to Hope when I remember this: The UNFAILING Love of the Lord NEVER ENDS! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.
Lamentations 3:13,19-22

Monday, April 16, 2012

Hard Day

Today has been a hard day. I found myself face down in Tates closet. If youre disappointed you can stop reading {HERE}.
Prayerfully asking God to give me comfort!
I called to see if Tates headstone was ready. I didnt realize the impact it would have on me when she said, "it will be ready this week." I was caught off guard with a whirlwind of emotions. Should I be happy or sad? 
 I've been so ready to have it. Now that spring is here, we could make Tates Place look so nice. But instead of feeling happy, an overwhelming sence of sadness came over me. Its final! Its really real. I have a son who is in heaven. Its a beautiful thought and Im not doubting it at all, but my human nature, my selfishness kicks in and I want him! The thought of his little name on a stone is heartbreaking! 
I feel its so sad when I go to his closet and pull out a small bag that holds the SD cards of his far too short life. His life fits on only a few cards. As I was looking through them, I came across a few that I had forgotten about.  When I looked at them, I can instantly remembered what I felt at that exact moment. Happy and overjoyed that he was in my arms yet sad and anxious over what the next hour, minute or second would hold. 
My dear friend posted this today.
"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
C.S. Lewis

Our lives revolved around caring for him. We may have had hospice care but I never wanted to leave his side for a minute. If I did it was only when David had him. We were granted this time with him and I wasnt going to waste it. I wasnt going to let the pain and sadness steal him from my arms. I knew it was going to hurt to let him go, BUT I kept my mind focused on letting God to be my source of strength! I wanted God to have all the glory of Tates life. I wasnt in control of anything! I had to let go of my fears and let God do what He knew was best. I was going to cherish every moment!
He had ALL OF ME!
{I may have shared this before but it is truly my love for Tate in a song}
(dont forget to pause the background music. Im working on changing that.)

 Today its raining and Im on my way out the door to pick Kevin up from school. Wishing I could hold you and whisper, the rain and thunder is nothing to be scared of. Wishing I was buckling you up in your car seat. I know you lived the life God needed you to. Thank you for being a brave little boy. When I think of you in heaven, a peace fills my heart! You changed me in so many ways.
As each day passes, I will hold these pictures and little memories we made together, close to my heart. I remember the touch and the smell of your sweet skin! You were so full of LIFE! You lived! You lived longer than any doctor said possible. 
You were a miracle! 
But I also remember kissing you for the last time. I knew then, you were no longer in the shell of your earthly body, you had been ushered into heaven and made new.  
2 Corinthians 5:2
We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing.
I cant wait for the day I am ushered into heaven.
Meet me at the gate sweet boy. Mommy will hold you for all eternity!  
 As each day passes, I also know its just one day closer to you!
Tate, you were worth it! 

We are trusting God to give us grace to do this next step for our son.
Its really hard to come to terms somedays that our son is in heaven and not in our arms. BUT just know that we also find comfort knowing where he is!
Its just that we miss him so very much!

With a heavy heart,

Lamentations 3:32
32.Though He brings grief, He also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. 33. For He does not enjoying hurting people or causing sorrow

John 16:33
"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in Me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. BUT take heart, because I have overcome the world."

Homesick by MercyMe
 Ive never been more homesick then now. When I close my eyes, I see your face. If homes where the heart is, then Im out of place!


Brandy said...

Praying that the Lord wrap his loving arms around you and brings you comfort. I am so sorry you are hurting.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog regularly -- can't even remember what led me to it. I paused to pray for you after reading your update and pray each time I read your blog or you come to mind. God bless you and bring you His peace beyond our understanding. And let yourself remember, cry those tears, lay yourself down in his closet, miss him with all of your being. You are Tate's mommy. Hugs from Grand Rapids, MI

Ashley said...

That video/song is amazing. I am in complete tears. Tate was absolutely beautiful. I can see how much love you had for him in your pictures.

I found your blog on Kelly's Korner. I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I lost my 4 month old to SIDS in August of 2010. I know this pain all to well :(

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