He shot His arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. YET I DARE to Hope when I remember this: The UNFAILING Love of the Lord NEVER ENDS! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.
Lamentations 3:13,19-22

Saturday, April 28, 2012

I want to live like that

I just wanted to share this song and a little "tidbit" about myself. This past year as been anything but easy! I want everyone to know that even though I am sad most days, my heart still has joy. My son is gone.... Theres not much more I can say about how I miss him. I say it over and over, but its feels like it still hasn't reached a point that expresses the fullness of how my hearts longs for heaven; to be with him and my Lord and Savior!
What this song talks about is, Did I live like Christ. Did I give it all I have? God gave me what I asked for. He gave me time with Tate. He gave us a miracle! No doctor or nurse can explain why Tate came back after 4 minutes. I can though, God! I can say I have experienced  the peace that surpasses all understanding.
There are days that I am so lost in my grieve, I want to hold his clenched hands, I want to kiss his face and little toes! BUT let me assure you I will NEVER forget the BLESSING God gave me, the comfort He gave me, the strength He gave me. I will never say I did this on my own. Gods hands are still molding me. I pray that you see that I have joy in the midst of my pain. Even though I smile, I remember the pain... I remember the moment God held my heart and took my son into his arms. That is a pain no one can forget!
I have never once wanted my grieve to over shadow what God has done for me. I have NEVER questioned the sovereignty of God, the UNFAILING love of God or the MIGHTINESS of God! HE is Good! He is FOR US!  I have the Love of God in my mind every second of the day. I pray that you can see that I am not who I was! Is there evidence? Im curious. Have I shown the LOVE of God in my grief? Its something I wonder when I say Im having a hard day. Please know that even on the worst day, I love God and all He has done for me. 

{pause background music}


Monday, April 16, 2012

Hard Day

Today has been a hard day. I found myself face down in Tates closet. If youre disappointed you can stop reading {HERE}.
Prayerfully asking God to give me comfort!
I called to see if Tates headstone was ready. I didnt realize the impact it would have on me when she said, "it will be ready this week." I was caught off guard with a whirlwind of emotions. Should I be happy or sad? 
 I've been so ready to have it. Now that spring is here, we could make Tates Place look so nice. But instead of feeling happy, an overwhelming sence of sadness came over me. Its final! Its really real. I have a son who is in heaven. Its a beautiful thought and Im not doubting it at all, but my human nature, my selfishness kicks in and I want him! The thought of his little name on a stone is heartbreaking! 
I feel its so sad when I go to his closet and pull out a small bag that holds the SD cards of his far too short life. His life fits on only a few cards. As I was looking through them, I came across a few that I had forgotten about.  When I looked at them, I can instantly remembered what I felt at that exact moment. Happy and overjoyed that he was in my arms yet sad and anxious over what the next hour, minute or second would hold. 
My dear friend posted this today.
"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
C.S. Lewis

Our lives revolved around caring for him. We may have had hospice care but I never wanted to leave his side for a minute. If I did it was only when David had him. We were granted this time with him and I wasnt going to waste it. I wasnt going to let the pain and sadness steal him from my arms. I knew it was going to hurt to let him go, BUT I kept my mind focused on letting God to be my source of strength! I wanted God to have all the glory of Tates life. I wasnt in control of anything! I had to let go of my fears and let God do what He knew was best. I was going to cherish every moment!
He had ALL OF ME!
{I may have shared this before but it is truly my love for Tate in a song}
(dont forget to pause the background music. Im working on changing that.)

 Today its raining and Im on my way out the door to pick Kevin up from school. Wishing I could hold you and whisper, the rain and thunder is nothing to be scared of. Wishing I was buckling you up in your car seat. I know you lived the life God needed you to. Thank you for being a brave little boy. When I think of you in heaven, a peace fills my heart! You changed me in so many ways.
As each day passes, I will hold these pictures and little memories we made together, close to my heart. I remember the touch and the smell of your sweet skin! You were so full of LIFE! You lived! You lived longer than any doctor said possible. 
You were a miracle! 
But I also remember kissing you for the last time. I knew then, you were no longer in the shell of your earthly body, you had been ushered into heaven and made new.  
2 Corinthians 5:2
We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing.
I cant wait for the day I am ushered into heaven.
Meet me at the gate sweet boy. Mommy will hold you for all eternity!  
 As each day passes, I also know its just one day closer to you!
Tate, you were worth it! 

We are trusting God to give us grace to do this next step for our son.
Its really hard to come to terms somedays that our son is in heaven and not in our arms. BUT just know that we also find comfort knowing where he is!
Its just that we miss him so very much!

With a heavy heart,

Lamentations 3:32
32.Though He brings grief, He also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. 33. For He does not enjoying hurting people or causing sorrow

John 16:33
"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in Me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. BUT take heart, because I have overcome the world."

Homesick by MercyMe
 Ive never been more homesick then now. When I close my eyes, I see your face. If homes where the heart is, then Im out of place!

Monday, April 9, 2012

He is Risen! Matthew 28:6  
We hope you had a blessed Easter!

We had a quiet Easter. It was just us. We went to church, ate lunch and went for a walk in the park. This year we opted out of the Easter bunny. We usually do the Easter bunny but this year we decided make it a permit thing to leave him out. Before you question: why are taking the fun out of Easter? Let me say its a personal, family decision. We dont feel we are "taking" anything from them, if anything we are taking from God. We've had our eyes opened this past year to what life is about. We believe if any day should be reserved for our Lord and Savior its Easter. Yes, we did an egg hunt. We still have fun. We just dont want the focus on a fake bunny rather than our Risen Savior! Again a family decision.

I heard this song while taking Kevin to school this morning.  As I listened to the words, it was all I could to to hold myself together. There are times I think of Tates life and death and its just overwhelming.
When I heard this song, about half way through it I stopped thinking of myself and the pain I feel on a daily basis and thought of his life in heaven.  I love thinking of his life in heaven. Its one thing I can cling to that I know is true! He is in heaven. For a mother, its very reassuring.
I love when a song forces you to think beyond what this life is. When you cant deny the unfailing love of God! 

This is the beginning:
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

Then heres the moment the sweetest thought came to mind.
The moment Tate was ushered into heaven. The moment Tate saw the face of his Savior.  The moment his Lord took him in His arms and said, "Its over now. Well done, thy good and
faithful servant!"

It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all the scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of weakness we must bow
And hear You say "It's over now"

Its a beautiful song!

{Dont forget to pause the background music}

Tate, I miss you! More than anything!! I will see you soon! When all my "whys" are answered.... I will hold you and never have to let go! So until then, let the Healer hold you! I know He is holding me here! Just as He gave me grace to let you go, I know He will give me grace to live life without you!


Monday, April 2, 2012

Allie Faith turns 3

 I cant believe its been 3 years since this little girl came into the world.
She is my joy! 
She makes me want to pull my hair out some days but I know God gave me her before Tate for a reason. She keeps me on my toes! She has more energy than I know what to do with! She is beautiful! She is smart! She is a blessing! 
Now that Kevins in school, she and I have more time together....just the two of us. 
 We love her more and more every day!

Yesterday we had her birthday party. 
Her aunt Rebekah made her this A.W.E.S.O.M.E cake!
She loves Tangled and horses!

Just look at the detail!

 Carefully putting it on the table!

 She was amazed!
 Granna and Allie Faith

 She didnt want to take a picture! haha 
 Coco gave her a crown!

 Uncle Hehe

 Uncle Clay

 Aunt Cici
Allie Faith and Mimi. Yes, I am kicking myself because its out of focus!

 Trenton with Code Red!! 

Allie riding Honey!

Eadie-Bella and Brooke petting Honey.

Collin riding! He was smiling from ear to ear!

Clay "Just call me John Wayne"

They stayed all afternoon. I love my brothers and sisters. Im sad my brother Chase left before we took this! 

My sweet little sister! I love her so! 
and Heath in the back!

{Allie Faith through the years!}
-Newborn. Just a few days old-

-6 weeks-

-6 months-

-1 year-

-2 years old-
I was pregnant with Tate when Allie turned 2. 

-3 years old-

 She is growing up so fast! 

I think she had a great birthday party!
Today when David gets off work, hes picking up her present from us. 
Shes getting a big girl bike!! She will be so surprised!

Allie Faith,
This past year has been anything but easy. You have made my life all the better by being your carefree, crazy, happy, lovable, sweet self! When you came into the world, you were calm and quite but you've quickly became anything but that! There is never a dull moment with you around! You may never know how much you've helped me these past few months.  Thank you for making me a better mommy! Your daddy and I pray you become a wonderful, godly, young lady. We cant wait to see what the Lord has in store for your life!
I love you to the moon and back! -mommy