He shot His arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. YET I DARE to Hope when I remember this: The UNFAILING Love of the Lord NEVER ENDS! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.
Lamentations 3:13,19-22

Monday, January 2, 2012

To be honest I dont have a title for this entry. The title "unexpected news" was already taken. I did that one back when I was pregnant with Tate.
Sometimes there are days that I think...Im doing ok...thinking of Tate is so sweet and talking about him all the time helps. I thought the road to "recovery" was getting better. We havent really experienced any set backs lately. We were so ready for Christmas. Even to my own surprise I wasnt dreading it like I thought I would be. Everything was working out for David to be off all weekend and Christmas presents were wrapped (except Santas stuff) and we had plans on Christmas eve to start the paperwork on something we were kinda keeping a secret. (I'll explain why in a minute)
 David gave me the sweetest gift for Christmas. He knows how much I love Willow Trees. December 23rd rolled by and he couldnt take it anymore, he had to give it to me. I opened the sweetest Willow Tree called My Angel. Ive been talking about it since we did some shopping for family a few weeks ago. Its a mother holding her baby. I have a picture that looks just like it.

On December 23rd, I posted this on Facebook- "its officially Christmas here at the Jones household. Davids home from work with gifts in his hands. We have an appointment tomorrow morning to start the paper work on something very special to us. A gift for one another that will forever be ours!"
I had several phone calls, messages and emails about this. Some thought I was going to announce adoption. I was sorry to say no, that wasnt it. I wanted to wait to tell some people what it was. Simply for the fear they wouldnt understand. Sometimes I think I need a disclaimer on all my facebook and blog posts that say *yes, I still have faith and hope on bad days. Yes, I think God is good! Yes, I love my kids! Yes, I cherished every moment with Tate! Its JUST a bad day. I have them alot! I thought that was part of this!* When I post something about how I feel and or something I want to do for Tate, you wouldnt believe the questions I get! I have said it a million times and apparently I will have to say it a million more...*No two people grieve the same!* Thats disclaimer number 2! 
So I decided to wait until after all the paper work was done before I blogged or facebooked it. 
On Christmas Eve David, the kids and I went to Tates Place, like we do every Saturday! I dropped David off at the office. You see, David and I were buying the plots next to Tate. It was going to be our gift to one another. I know, I know....thats not something 26 year olds should be doing. I knew I was going to have to explain why we wanted to do this. But until you have gone through everything we have, theres not much you can expect to understand. 
Ive had people tell me that, their friends that lost a child didnt buy the plots next to them?!? AGAIN-*No two people grieve the same*
When a wife losses her husband or vise versa...do they not buy the plots next to their loved ones? Why is this different?
So anyway, the kids and I were waiting for David. When we turned around, there he was walking up the hill. I saw the papers in his hand. He came and sat on the blanket and handed me the papers. That was the best gift. Its something I cant explain. Not unless youve been where we are.
So I asked David to explain to me where they were exactly. He got up and started pointing.....something wasnt right. He said lets go talk to Mr. M. I thought ok. I didnt think much of it. Maybe David was reading it wrong and counting in the wrong direction. David went in the office then after a minute they came out and we started back over to Tates Place. We got out of the car. This was the first time I had met this man. I didnt do any of the planning in the beginning. We all headed over to the spot and he got out the book of where everything is. He pointed and said something we werent prepared for...."Baby isnt here." He took several steps back and over then said, "hes here." I couldnt think straight. I couldnt breathe. It was like Tate died all over again. I couldnt control my tears. I took the kids back to the car. Ive never cried like this in front of them. I couldnt help it. They buried our son in the WRONG place!!! I could see David showing him that you could (very obviously) see that Tate was buried where we thought. The place we've been coming to for 5 months! You could see the outline of where everything had settled. I turned my head. I didnt want to watch them try and figure out where he was. After a few minutes they came out to the car and I opened the door. Mr. M told me not to cry that everything was going to be fine. Well that didnt help. He told me he couldnt guarantee 100% that "Baby" was where we thought he was. I was heartbroken. Where is he? He said it "looks like" hes where yall think he is but paperwork says other wise. He was supposed to be buried a few feet away. I didnt know what to say. He said worse cause scenario is he be moved. I said NO! So he went on to say that if he had maintenance here, he would tell me right now where he is but we would have to wait until monday morning to know 100%. 
He left and I couldnt do anything but cry. 
We finally left and went home. I didnt know what to do! After all the crying I was just so tired. I went and laid on our bed. I couldnt stop thinking things like- for 5 months I wasnt even going to the place where he was. Hes been just a few feet away this whole time. All the saturdays spent laying on a blanket, kids taken little trinkets, pumpkins, flowers and a Christmas tree....all to the wrong place. I wasnt being reasonable! I KNOW! I thought....How much more....I cant take anymore! This was my breaking point!  
We didnt want to ruin anyones Christmas. So we didnt make this public. I did call me awesome SIL. I just need someone to hear this news. After awhile I made a few more phone calls. To my surprise I didnt get the response that I was thinking I would get. I thought if I heard "Dont worry, its only his shell." I was going to scream!!!!! Why wouldnt I care! I LOVE his shell. I want him to rest peacefully! No parent should have to bury their child much less Re-bury their child!  
So we decided to keep this awful news to ourselves. Just until we could wrap our brains around it. Believe me this was a hard weekend! It was the hard weekend I thought I wasnt going to have.
Monday morning while opening presents with family, David got the phone call saying that Tate was where we thought he was. That was such a relief. After a weekend of prayer and heartbreak, we had one question answered! We were just waiting for the family that Tate was put in the spot of, to be called and asked if they could move to another location. Without our signature its against the law for Tate to be moved. At the time moving him was out of the question. Tuesday morning we got another phone call saying the family had given up the spot Tate was in but nothing else. I was once again upset!
We have one last hope of not moving Tate. Thats if the people who own the empty plots on the other side of Tate can be found and asked if they will move to another location. They havent been able to contact them yet. They say this could take awhile. Some people buy plots so long ago and forget to update their information. So we are waiting. We have been praying for the Lord to show us what to do and what His will is. We are confused and hurt that this has happened but we are hopeful that He will guide us to the next step. Which could be that Tate is moved. We dont want to but if its what we have to do, we know the Lord will give us peace and strength to do so, just like all the times before.

Please pray for us! I know I ask for your prayers alot but we are so discouraged. It seems the "hard part" is always there! Its been a really bad week for us.

James 1:2-4 (NLT)
2.Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

Cricket ~


Brandy said...

Your family is in my prayers. I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. I know that your faith and God will see you through! I am sure your precious Tate is so proud of all of you and can feel the tremendous love you have for him. :)

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