He shot His arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. YET I DARE to Hope when I remember this: The UNFAILING Love of the Lord NEVER ENDS! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.
Lamentations 3:13,19-22

Monday, December 5, 2011


As we prepare for Christmas this year, Ive had several people ask, what do I want for Christmas. I cant help but think...Tate! When I say I want nothing from this world, I mean it! I don't want the empty things this world has to offer! All I want is heaven! When I think of how much I love Tate, I think of Gods love for me. His unchanging, unfailing and immeasurable love is so hard for me to even try and wrap my brain around. To comprehend that kind of love...its impossible! Sometimes I want to think- if He loves us so much, why did He allow this to happen. Im trying VERY hard to think- because He loves us so much He allowed this to happen. Its a process!
We had our family pictures done a few days ago....it was our first photo shoot without Tate. I cant tell you the pain my heart feels! We did NOT leave him out though! We held a picture of him, his lamb and half his blankie. He holds the other half. He is a part of our family and will forever be a part of everything we do.


Oh how they miss him too
Tate's little lamb and half his blankie. I kept only half ....so I could always hold on to it.
 I can remember the day it stopped smelling like him....
This pictures so sweet

If someone were to ask me - What is the one thing you love most about Natalies work? It would be that she knows how to step back and capture raw emotion.

 I was given an ornament by one of my nearest and dearest friends sisters. The most amazingly talented photographer Ever! It says,
-Merry Christmas From Heaven-
"I love you all dearly, now don't shed a tear, Im spending my Christmas with Jesus this year."

On the way to our photo shoot a song came on that I've never heard. It was on the local Christian radio station. I looked it up and to my surprise it is sung by the Goo-Goo Dolls. I cried all the way through it.
If you know anything about how I think of Tate, you know I think he would have been my blond hair and blue eyed little boy. When I saw the video, I cried harder. The little, blond haired boy playing a piano..... I have been struggling with all the "would have beens" lately.
I pray the Lord will grant us better days. Its been a difficult year for us, to say the least, but we have faith that He will carry us through. Just as He granted us time with Tate, I know He will grant us His strength, peace, grace and mercy to get through this plan. A plan He ordained for us long ago. Our Pastor said this in church today, "Anything you do that is worth anything is going to be difficult"- Tate is worth every piece of my broken heart! Because of this broken heart I have come to know the Lord in a different (better) way. I have wrapped every fiber of my being in Him. He is the ONLY one that can mend my broken heart!
I hope you enjoy this song. Just a reminder Christmas isnt about presents wrapped in ribbons and bows. Its about our Savior that came to this earth to save us so we could be with Him for all eternity. I know my little boy will have a great first Christmas! I have no doubt!!
I just want to share one more thing that I heard in church today...something I will remember not only at Christmas time but every day of the year.
"You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving"
(dont forget to pause the background music)


Clayton James said...

Love you and love your family! You all get more beautiful every day!

Avery Tales said...

Better Days is a song that has always spoken to my heart after losing Olivia. It's amazing how God speaks to us through music.

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