I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Misery has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within. But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying "You are my God!" My future is in your hands.
Its been very hard writing in my blog lately. Im not saying Im a good writer by any means but I write from MY heart and I write what the Lord tells me to...no more and no less. So when I come across a blog that has "re-worded" my thoughts and my heart...I feel they are belittling my feelings. It hurts when I come across a blog that is using MY kids pictures for their very own!?! This is mostly why I havent been writing in my blog! I have written things that Ive wanted to post but because I fear someone taking them, I cant seem to push the "post" button. Im trying to push through my fears.
Its hard to write when I feel some "expect" me to be doing better. I guess this is the "people-pleaser" in me (thank you Mimi) The fear of failing is so prevalent in my life right now. I feel flat out guilty for grieving! I am so afraid of taking the wrong step. I have been on a mission to find the right book that helps me understand what is the "right" way to grieve. So far Ive found there is not a "right" way to grieve. Everyone is different! But as I looked down this LONG row of "how to grieve" books (it felt like tunnel vision) I prayed that the Lord would put the "right" book in my hand and He did just that! On the back of this book it said " Dare to hope when life has let you down. Sometimes we just need to know theres hope when life just hurts." That seemed good enough for me! Shortly after reading it, I had to close it after just a few pages into the introduction. The similarities that this writer and I have are unbelievable! First of all, we are both married to men named David, her baby was diagnosed with a disease, also incompatible with life and she had to feed her with a syringe. Thats how we fed Tate at first! But more than names, diagonsis, and ways of feeding, was that she felt she was bringing her baby home to die and that "hurt invaded her life!" She talks about even months after the passing of her daughter, she felt empty and disappointed, lonely and sad! WOW! You mean a christian woman felt the same way I do? I guess maybe Im not alone, maybe its ok to "still" be grieving even though months have passed and some say "I should be moving forward." There are days I want to just sit and wallow in my pain! There are times I look back and think - did that just happen? Is it all over? Already? Its seems as though it was just yesterday that I was trying to understand what trisomy 18 was. I look back at pictures of Tate and I physically ache! Let me assure you that my tears DO NOT show a lack of faith! When I lost Tate, I was forced to let go of all my dreams and live in a nightmare. I believe that gives me the OK to be sad and grieve. God does NOT dismiss my tears! In fact, He keeps track of all my sorrows. He collects my tears in a bottle! He record them in His book. (Psalm 56:8) In Revelation 21:4 it tells us that not only will He wipe away our tears, He will remove all of the sorrow that caused them! I find great comfort in that! Even though I feel a part of me died with Tate, I know my life is in His hands. He holds my future.