He shot His arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. YET I DARE to Hope when I remember this: The UNFAILING Love of the Lord NEVER ENDS! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.
Lamentations 3:13,19-22

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Show Him What It Means To Be Loved

Today I bought Tate an outfit. Its the first one Ive ever bought him myself. How many mothers can say that at 37 weeks, they bought their baby's first outfit? Yes, Ive bought a few things but I havent picked up one thing that didnt have the title of this is his 'last' or his 'only' outfit. I feel like a bad mom for not being more hopeful all those months when we first found out Tate was diagnosed with Tri18. I think over time I have become so much closer to the Lord. I see its the Lord I should trust and not what the world tells me to believe. Yes trisomy 18 in the worlds eyes is "incompatible with life" but to the Lord, He knows no boundary of sickness. He can heal Tate! I believe He can! 
I told David the other night, this unknown is killing me. Then the next day I was having my quite time and in that moment I just thought....if I knew, would I have already given up, would I have this faith in the Lord to do a great miracle, would I STRIVE everyday to do what the Lord wants for my life? I dont think I would. Maybe thats why Tate has been diagnosed with something that is so UNKNOWN..... So that I could grow into a better christian. Lately when we go to the doctors, Ive been feel theyve given up. They see this all the time. No trisomy 18 baby has ever lived( in the cases theyve seen). They have told us not to expect anything more than stillborn, if it is more than stillborn...maybe a few hours at best. I know they are only trying to prepare us, but I feel I have been beaten to the core. I have sleepless nights thinking what Tates last moments will be like. I cant imagine him being born (hopefully he sees me and his daddy ) but that in the next moment being in the arms of the Lord....Think of that for a moment! Its hard to understand! I pray everyday for the wisdom of knowing what to do in that moment! I say "if " its the Lord will to heal him. Im trying very hard to not have any doubt. 
We have to face what the Lord has put in our path and I want to give Him all the glory, REGARDLESS of the outcome. I dont think the Lord says to doubt there is a problem, I think He says not to doubt His ability to fix it. He has given me a peace and strength that I cant explain and sometimes feel do not deserve! He has held my hand throughout this process. I pray Tate does come home, you will not find a happier mommy in the world. I pray that you will pray with us that same prayer, that Tate can come home a LIVE his life. To be surrounded by his family. LIVING In LOVE.
 We have the greatest friends and family that have given us some of the sweet things. I will cherish them forever! Ive been using Kevins hand-me-down to set up Tates little space. I have said how hard its been to pass by all the baby things in the store...well I finally just said IM BUYING TATE SOMETHING! Something that he can wear at home, something that doesnt have anything to do with it being his "last" or "only" title to it. So our family plans for tonight are to eat dinner and go to Babies R Us to buy Tate some socks.
As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed in a mother's womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things. Ecclesiates 11:5
These words just encouraged me! To know that there is no way we can possibly understand all that God is working on. Of course we have questions, and we want to understand why things happen the way they do, but this verse, I believe tells us that it not for us to understand, but to trust in Him that He knows what He is doing. 
And thats what we're doing!

2 comments:

Laine said...

Oh Cricket...how I have been praying and will not stop praying!
I love that yall are going to buy Baby Tate some socks!
And I love this song...I have thought of you when I've heard it on the radio....
I also love reading how the Lord is using Tate to grow you closer to Him. It is so precious to hear how He speaks to you...He is such an intimate Father and He knows what we need before we even ask Him.
You are a sweet special momma...Allie, Kevin, and Tate are so blessed to have you!

Tettelestai said...

wow. i don't have any words... i pray that you will cling to the Father. that He will be the anchor in this storm you are experiencing.

thank you for sharing and for humbling me on my bad day. i needed the attitude adjustment.

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