He shot His arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. YET I DARE to Hope when I remember this: The UNFAILING Love of the Lord NEVER ENDS! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.
Lamentations 3:13,19-22

Friday, April 22, 2011

I dont know how to being this post. I just feel the Lord has laid something on my heart to share. Im just going to type what comes to mind and I hope you understand. I posted something the other day about how nesting has been so hard and that preparing for Tates last moments here on earth have consumed my every thought. I thought about deleting the post but I feel its what I was going through that day and think that everyday comes with its own challenges...this is my journey.  This blog has been a way for me to vent and tell our story! This hasnt been an easy path! Hope has been very hard to come by lately. I pray Tate will be healed but somehow I think the devil is messing with my ability to see past grief. I want so badly for Tate to be healed but I dont know if thats Gods will. There has been no way of planning for whats to come. There is no set path for tri-18. Every baby is different. I think Ive been preparing my heart for the worst. I have been told by some many doctors that trisomy 18 is not fixable. Theres nothing I can do to change it or could have done to prevent it. I dont know their religious beliefs all I know is that my God is the greatest physician. I cant setup a crib because I dont think I will have enough strength to take it down. Theres only some much a person can do and go through before their hope is completely demolished. So why havent I prepared for Tate any other way? I think its been my way of protecting my heart. Its been a way to keep myself from being too hurt as if I can somehow soften the blow of whats to come. Kind of like "pregrieving". Everyday I am consumed by this. Every moment of the day is thinking, planning and preparing myself for whats to come. So regardless to how I think I can prepare for this, its going to happen the way the Lord wants it to. I cant control how it turns out. So in my effort to being more hopeful, I have a new prayer. Im going to pray that I stop trying to predict how "I" think this will play out and try seeing a more positive side to preparing for Tate no matter how long or short the time we have with him.

Matthew 8:26 He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

Matthew 17: 20 He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

John 11:40  Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"

Thank you for your prayers! If you prayed that my hope be renewed, God bless you!


Shelly said...

Hi Cricket, I just stumbled upon your blog. And now I know its a God moment. I too have a baby with a chromosome abnormality. She has an addition to her 14th chrom (+14q21). I too love Jesus and hope in Him. I too pray for his glory and love that verse you posted (John 11:40). We didn't know she had anything wrong until she was born and we noticed some problems. We were blindsided by news, but also blindsided by His love & strength. I'm sorry. And its ok to mourn...to mourn the loss of normal...to pray for healing when the dr's say otherwise. Our hope is in a big God who can do big things and He loves you more than you know and these times are sweet with Him. These painful times. I blogged while in the hospital with my little one...exactly 2 years ago. It may be a comfort to you...the scriptures he gave me in that time. For only His words bring true comfort. I am praying for you now.
She has become one of the greatest blessings in our life. Though we aren't guaranteed anything in her future. We learn to celebrate every day.
My blog... http://foreveryoungsters.blogspot.com
Love your sister in Christ,
Shelly Young

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