He shot His arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. YET I DARE to Hope when I remember this: The UNFAILING Love of the Lord NEVER ENDS! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.
Lamentations 3:13,19-22

Monday, March 21, 2011

Yesterday we missed church. Not for the reason of wanting to sleep
in but because I have been having Braxton Hicks contractions since lunch saturday.
No, I havent called my doctor, yet. I dont
know why really. I guess because Im scared of what she will
tell me. At this point there is nothing I can do to change
how Tates life will unfold and that terrifies me. I can only trust God to give me peace about the things that will happen.  
Tate is still moving around in between contractions so I know he is still with us.
I feel my body is just preparing for Tate. I pray he waits a little longer because Im not ready.
Tonight I was taking a bath (trying to relax) and I was just sitting there
talking to God. Having my quite time. I picked up Davids bathroom bible and started to read the Book of Job.
I, to be honest, have never read it all the way through. Sad, I know. I have heard the story many, many times in church and
others lately have referred to the story several times while encouraging us.
I feel so blessed by reading it.
Several times I thought about our situation while reading it. I cant wait to finish it.
It always amazes me how many times you can read a story in the bible and read them differently each time, all because of where you are in life. Job, to me, was always a man that had everything taken from him but refused to curse God. I never really had anything in my life happen that I feel I could understand his pain, until now. While Job and I are nothing alike, I still have 2 healthy kids, a loving husband (who has been watching me like a hawk), a wonderful family, and so many wonderful friends. But now that we are facing the possibility of the death of our son, Ive been seeing hes story and pain differently! Especially when he talks about trying to understand why he was chosen to have all those things happen to him. I wonder all the time, why us? While I feel I can honestly say I dont believe we are going through this because of some sin in Davids or my life. I feel maybe its for us to be examples. Although this is what has been laid before us to go through and I am devastated, I feel this Lord has good reason and Im not made at him nor do I resent him. I will praise the One who is Holy!
He is Good and has a plan for us.
I feel we as humans think that believing in God protects us from trouble. When problems come up in our lives, we tend to question God' s goodness and justice. I know the first thought, why are we were going through this. Was it for me, for David , or for someone I dont know, but I never once questioned the Lords presence and goodness. I feel I have learned that we should not give up on God when He allows us to have hard experiences. Faith in God does not guarantee our lives to be perfect, and the lack of faith doesnt guarantee troubles in this life. 
God is more than capable of rescuing us from suffering, but he may allow suffering for reasons we cannot understand. Satans plan is to get us to doubt God. David and I have tried very hard to see only God in this situation but Satan makes it so easy to want to blame God for allowing this to happen but I hate to tell him that I believe in the Lord more than I believe his (satans) lies! Sometimes I think that people (even David and I) fall into the trap of satan. To assume that if you live a righteous life, you are ENTITLED to a life of personal comfort.
What I find comforting is that our son will only know love! If the Lord decides to take him home before we can meet him, He will never have to live in this terrible world. He will be in the Lords arms! While I still believe the Lord can heal our son, these are the thoughts that get me through the day when I fear not having Tate. David and I will face things no parent should have to but we will praise the One who is the maker of Tate and of all things!
God never said life would be easy. And let me tell you as a mother, this is the hardest thing I have ever faced!!! But let me also tell you this, I have never been so close to the Lord in all my life. I know that He is comforting me and giving me my strength. He will never leave me!
Sometimes in this world where everything happens instantly, never have to wait for anything for very long, get a burger in 2 minutes in the drive thu, waiting, heaven forbid for you computer to load in 4 seconds rather than 1 second. There is always a better something that is faster than the one you have. We have lost the ability to wait patiently through our hard times.
We even expect to learn patience instantly, and in our hurry, we fail to see the contradiction.
If we always knew why we were suffering and when it would end, I feel our faith would have no room to grow!



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