He shot His arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. YET I DARE to Hope when I remember this: The UNFAILING Love of the Lord NEVER ENDS! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.
Lamentations 3:13,19-22

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Update on Tate

Our hearts are broken. I cant tell you how hard this has been.
Yesterday we went to UAB for an appointment to talk about the steps to take in the care of Tate and myself.
We will continue to see a high risk doctor every 2-3 weeks until the Lord decides its time for us to meet Tate.
That time could be anytime between now and my due date.
Dr. B has given Tate an 85% chance not to make it to birth, and if I do go into labor closer to our due date, he may be a stillborn.
He thinks Tates heart just isnt strong enough. In most cases of Tri-18, the placentas of these special babies are not enough to support their little bodies throughout pregnancy.
We were told that it wouldnt be best to intervene on his life. We told him we are preparing for "comfort care". We dont want to put Tates little body through too much. We have a peace about this decision. We know this isnt a decision for everyone but its what we feel the Lords wants for us. We dont want to put him through anything painful! We want him comfortable. We want him in our arms for as long as we have with him!
We will no longer see the pediatric cardiologist.
We also should be getting a call from someone who is in charge of making all the arraignments to what we want before and after birth. She is going to set up an appointment for us to get a tour of the hospital. That way we can see a labor and deliver room, look at the NICU and to talk to a nicu doctor. Today I will be calling my regular doctor at Shelby to transfer. I love Dr. S and I am sad to transfer, but I want Tate to be in the best care. Shelby just doesnt have enough experience with Tri-18. UAB is well equipped to handle anything that comes their way with our situation. The have nurses just to handle our special situation.
What I find comforting now is that our Lord knows no numbers!!!
He is the one who will have the final say on Tates life!
 Thank you for your prayers and support!
Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

I know that this is going to be the hardest thing we will ever do!

The other day I took the kids to the park. We hadnt told the kids any of this for 2 reasons, 1) They are so young, 2) We wanted to make sure that Tate did have tri-18 before we told the kids. We didnt want to confuse them.
Kevin has been handling it so well.
We have kept it age appropriate!!
Allie still doesnt understand much.
I took the kids to the park last Monday. We were walking around the pond. Allie was running around in front of us and Kevin grabbed my hand. I felt the Lord gave us that time, so I used it to explain what was going on with his baby, brother.
I asked him did he know where heaven was?
He point to the sky.
I said thats right.
I asked do you know who lives there?
He said Jesus.
I said thats right!
I said you know where Tate is?
He pointed to my tummy.
I said thats right.
Well he ran off to look at the fih and turtles. I dont want to push it so I let him play. When we got to another point by the pond it was just he and I. We continued the conversation and I asked again, did he know where Jesus lived? He again pointed to the sky. We sat there for awhile talking about thing God made. He made the clouds, the fish, the turtles, then he said me (himself), Allie and the water. I said yes God made everything. He even made mommy, daddy and baby Tate. He got a big smile on his face.
I asked, do you know where people go when they no longer live here on earth. I was searching for the right words. I feel the words death and die are hard for an adult to understand much less a four year old. I know the Lord was helping me because He said like when someone dies? I said yes. He said heaven. I said thats right! I said if Jesus lives in your heart you go to heaven. Again trying to keep it age appropriate. I said you know how Tate lives in mommys tummy. I told him that Tate may go to live with Jesus when hes born. He just sat there and then said that sounds like fun! I said yes it does. I asked him how did it make him feel? He told me he was happy for Tate. He asked is that why you were crying yesterday. I said yes. It makes mom sad but I know that Tate will be happy with Jesus. He said me too! Then ran off to play.
I was shocked. He understood more than I ever thought he would. I feel the Lord blessed that conversation!

*please dont tell me I did that wrong. That will only upset me more! I feel the Lord put the RIGHT words in my heart to asked Kevin. Everything I have talked to Kevin about he has been very receptive. I know Im not scaring him. We feel want him to be prepared just as we are. He knows hes getting a brother but I dont want him confused when things happen.***


The Murray's said...

You are an amazing mother and this is proof of just that. You said exactly what Kevin needed to hear and well enough for him to understand it. Don't ever doubt yourself. The Lord was definitely with you throughout the conversation. May God continue to bring you and your family peace and comfort during this difficult time. I love you all.

Sarah said...

It sounds to me that Kevin heard and understood just what he needed...Oh to have a child-like faith - to be so happy to hear Tate will be with Jesus! He will be the perfect little baby always! We too will continue to pray for the peace that passes all understanding. Love you and your family so much!

Lesley said...

I think you did an awesome job. You gave Kevin the exact words that only "Kevin's mom" would know. You know him better than anyone and you said exactly what he needed. You did a perfect job.

I prayed for you throughout the day today and I will contine to ask God for healing for Tate and to give you exactly what you need each step of the way.

You shared a great verse...hang on to it.

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