He shot His arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. YET I DARE to Hope when I remember this: The UNFAILING Love of the Lord NEVER ENDS! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.
Lamentations 3:13,19-22

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Emotionally Numb

I dont even know how to start this blog update....
First of all thank you for your prayers.

Yesterday we went to UAB for an ultrasound. We got to see Tate move around and really aggravate the doctors because he wouldnt be still. I was laying on the table thinking in my mind -wow he really is moving good! I was trying to hear what the tech and the doctor were saying. Thinking I could pick up on what the were saying -was it good or bad? But honestly all the big words were just too much for me to even try. So I just sat there watching Tate squirm around. I felt really good about it all. I really thought nothing was wrong. When they were done I sat up to discuss what they found. I looked at the clock it took them about 40 minutes to get all the info they needed from Tate. The doctor told me that the blood test that I took last monday came back negative for down syndrome. But after looking at the Baby he saw 2 cyst, one on either side of the brain, but they could go away on there own. He found a hole in his heart and that his heart valves are going the wrong way. Its fixable with surgery when hes born. Hes sending me to a pediatric cardiologist Monday. Hes heart is about the size of a penny and he wants someone who is trained in looking at small hearts to tell us what to do next. They will be the ones to do surgery on his heart when hes born. The baby was very small, in about the 25th percentile for his gestational age. He also told us that his hands were clenched. Any of these factors alone would not necessarily be reason for alarm, but taken together they indicated that our son may have trisomy 18—a chromosomal abnormality that causes severe mental and physical problems. Most trisomy-18 babies, he said, die before birth or shortly thereafter.
We were shocked. Neither of us had even heard of trisomy 18. He continued
and clenched his own hand as he explained that the baby's clenched fists were the most telling sign. He added that trisomy 18 is a random event, not caused by anything that I had done or not done.
 I thought to myself, this could not be happening. What did he mean that our baby was going to die if he has this? He'd looked perfectly fine to me on the ultrasound. The ultrasound findings pointed to trisomy 18, but the only way to know for sure was by examining the DNA of cells in my amniotic fluid. The doctor said I could have a amniocentesis as early as that afternoon. But it was up to us. We could go home and think about it. Thats what we decided we would do. He told us that only 1/600 women have miscarriages with an amniocentesis. Back when we thought Tate had Downs I was sure that I would NEVER have an amniocentesis. I didnt care if there was a chance of 1/90000000000 that I would miscarry but this is a different circumstance. Because with Downs it wouldnt matter if he had it or not, he would survive it. BUT with Trisomy 18 he wont survive it and that is something we NEED to prepare for. I want to be able to spend how ever long I have with him in my arms and not have him taken from me to be tested on for something I could have already known he did or didnt have. He wants to continue to see me. I go back to him in 4 weeks. I will see my doctor in about 3 weeks.  Before we left, we made our appointments and I couldnt hardly hold myself together. I didnt want to fall apart in front of everyone. We made it to the elevators and I started to cry and David I think was in pure shock. We finally made it to the car. It was all I could do to stop crying long enough to ask David, WHY?
We dont have any answer's only questions. 
We decided to let this all sink in and pray about what is right.
 I started calling family last night while my parents were here. Some people I could tell without crying and others I would fall apart while telling. Sometimes I feel there is a "correct" way to act while telling people about this. I feel they think I dont care if I not crying. Sometimes Im just emotionally numb. This is something I NEVER, EVER thought would happen to us!
Please continue to pray for a healthy baby!!! I know the Lord can heal him! Ive never and will never doubt that! 
 This is by far the worst thing I could ever imagine happening!

What is Trisomy-18?


Sarah said...

Sweet Cricket, I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. Just know that you and David are loved so much and so many people are praying for you and little Tate. Please let me know if there is anything we can do for you! (Even if it's just to cry and talk to someone not related to you on the phone!) I was also thinking (and hope it might be a slight encouragement to you) about Psalm 139:13-14 that says "you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Even though there is the possibility Tate won't be up to the standards the doctors want him to be, GOD has knit him just the way HE wants him to be and Tate is so wonderfully made!

Anonymous said...

Cricket, I'm a friend of Natalie S. We (my family), are praying for you and your husband as you walk this path. May God give you peace and strength. <3

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